I don't want to be crabby or a debby downer but quite frankly I am tired of this stuff going on. I am annoyed with the media, crabby with my kids and fed up with the new school teacher.
There are posts on how to be positive, cherish these quieter times and to take the time to just be. To learn and grow. I understand the point of these messages and surely I will come out of this season knowing more than when the season started, but can I just wallow in a bowl of ice cream for a minute? Can we talk about how mentally draining this all is? How physically exhausting it is? This season will carry similarities and differences for each one of us.
What I know is that the uncertainty of daily life causes me more stress than the threat of the virus. I know that there is a high probability that every time I enter the grocery store or fill up with gas I am likely exposed. That doesn't scare me. What gives me anxiety is feeling like we still have to do all of the things in this season. Nothing can go by the wayside. School has expectations, work hasn't stopped and the kids need 3,500 snacks per day. We don't know when we will be able to hug our family or celebrate special people or shake hands at church. The uncertainty and waiting is daunting. What's a lady to do expect have a few breakdowns?
So what's the point of this post, I'm not really sure other than saying if you are having a tough time know that I am too. It's ok to have crappy days in this season. It's ok to feel like it is never going to end, it has to...at some point. Eat the ice cream. Take a walk. Play a game with your kids and if you have to lock yourself in the bathroom for a hot minute, do it.
You're not in this alone,
We looked at each other both exhausted from the last three weeks. I said first "I need time alone, I hope you understand. My mind and body need time to recharge." Without hesitation his response was, "The introvert in me needs to be introverted also."
Phew, so glad to hear those words. I don't know if either of us have really taken the time to process the last several weeks. In the middle of March we traveled to Florida for six days, the kiddos split time between each of our families. When we were there the pandemic situation was changing. At one point we started to wonder if we would be driving home. The day we flew home the Governor announced plans for distance education, my employer started to throw around different work from home/rotation plans. Lots of unknowns.
Now two full weeks into having our home office become my office we both clearly needed a break. A chance to veg and regroup. I still don't know if I have let my body and mind process all that is going on, to do that regroup. What I do know is parenting, working and teaching simultaneously throughout the day is exhausting on us and our kids. A different routine and schedule then we are all used to.
Today I am reminded of the gifts God has given Don and I through marriage. There has been continued growth and understanding of who each other is in every season. The fact that we both knew we needed a break today was pretty incredible. A large part of this for us is knowing God and another part is knowing ourselves. What a season we are in friends. What a journey we are all one, what a journey God has laid out for us.
A little delayed, but none the less my word of 2020 is important and part of the reason this post is just now getting put to print. (inserts drumroll)
Are you surprised? I am. The word play goes against the grain for me. It is not often that you will find me playing throughout my day. The rolling to do list means one task after the next dusk to dawn. When I think of the word play it goes directly to the definition found in the Oxford dictionary, “engage in activity for enjoyment and recreation rather than a serious or practical purpose.” Makes sense, I should slow down and play with the kids and my husband. Enjoy a game of cards, read a book, swing, go sledding. I can find play in my everyday, I just have to allow myself to be part of it. For me it sounds easier than it looks. I have had to already be very intentional, to stop folding laundry and to soak in the wild card game.
Next was to find scripture that supported my word of the year. I opened the bible app on my phone and searched “play.” I didn’t get the response I was quite expecting. It took my to Isaiah 38:20 (ESV).
"The Lord will save me, and we will play my music on stringed instruments all the days of our lives, at the house of the Lord."
I am not familiar with this verse which led me to digging and reading more of Chapter 38. This chapter is the story of the sickness and healing of a man name Hezekiah. Hezekiah was the thirteenth king of Judah with a strong love for the Lord. The parallel I found immediately between Hezekiah and myself was how both of us sought the Lord for our healing. When I was in the deepest moments of postpartum depression I knew I needed to depend on the Lord whole heartedly. There were and still are many moments where I rely heavily on the Lord to get me through. My obedience to the Lord is not nearly as good as Hezekiah’s but something to strive for and pray over.
I am excited to dig in to Hezekiah’s story to better understand how his dependence on the Lord to heal freed him from sickness. There is no doubt that this freeing gave Hezekiah the ability to play and appreciate all that God has given us that much more. My prayer for you all as I continue in 2020 will be that God will show you the calm in the chaos and how to play in the mundane.
It was cemented in my mind this week that God knows our gifts and talents better than we ever will. As a I entered my workplace after maternity leave I stepped back into a world I love and so deeply cherish. I've said often that I am a much better working mom than a stay at home mom. We all have gifts and we need to cheer each other on in those gifts. Mine is being out of the home, connecting with others. While other moms blossom as they stay at home with their kiddos. God created each of us so unique and each with a specific purpose. Remember that. One is not better than the other. A working mom should not be slated against a stay at home mom. Ever. Two very different days, but the love is just the same.
In Romans 11:29 Paul reminds us that our calling to be with God and follow him is like no other. He is full of knowledge and wisdom that he wishes to share with no judgement. As this relates to motherhood what a wonderful reminder of the gifts he has given each of us. He has wisdom to share even in the deep trenches of laundry, crumb covered floors and dirty diapers. Skip ahead to verse 33 (ESV) in the same chapter and Paul tells us, "oh, the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are his judgments and how inscrutable his ways!" What joy we can find knowing that he has a bounty set aside that he wishes to share. We may not know his way but he has BIG plans for you and me.
Father - Be with us today as we enter into your designed plan for us, let us surrender to you. Guide me to prayer at the beginning and end of every day knowing you have bounty you wish to share with us. Lord you have given us so much, thank you for all you provide. Amen.
Remember Paul's message today and if you need more affirmation of the bounty of God, take a listen below.
Mental health is not something you can switch on or off. It is not something you need one day and can put to rest the next. It's an easy concept isn't it? At the core I don't think it is. How many of us really feel like sharing our true feelings and vulnerability? How many of us priorities our feelings and emotions? My guess is that if a close friend, coworker, spouse or family member asks you in the morning "how are you?" It's likely that your reposes is good, fine or ok even if deep down inside you feel pretty sucky.
Know how I know that, because there are many a day where I put on a pretty tough outer shell to keep others on the outside. Heaven forbid I open up to what is really going on. These barriers need to drop in order for us to build relationships and show the mercy and grace of God. He has already paved a road for you and died on the cross for you. There should be no shame in your feelings and we should take the time to understand them.
I had thrown that understanding piece to the wayside as I had taken somewhat of a hiatus from my counselor as I thought life was too busy. A reminder to everyone that life is NEVER too busy to address your mental health and the factors that are contributing to it. These sessions have lead to a better understanding of who I am and how I tick.
I now can identify when the spiral is happening and what I need to do to get back. For example I am currently home on maternity leave and will have my phone nearby as I nurse. This has ultimately meant endless scrolling, for what sometimes could be 1.5 hours at a time (insert embarrassed emoji!). For myself this was not a healthy habit, creating guilt and a loud response from my inner critic. I needed a solution, a compromise that allowed me quiet time with my baby but was not consumed with endless guilt. My solution has been to turn on a podcast or audio book. Less guilt and more meaningful snuggles for 1.5 hours.
There are so many times that I also look to myself for answers when really I should be looking to God. My counselor is always quick to remind me of that. He has paved the road for all of us. He knows our faults and strengths. He knows when to catch us and when to let us fall. I am forever grateful for a counselor who is sure to include my faith journey in our sessions. The true reason for my mental healing is centering my life around the Lord and what he desires for me in each day. My prayer for you friends is that you take time to asses your mental health and to reach out to someone if you need to visit. Mental health is important, YOU are important.
1. What’s for supper: Beef stew in the pressure cooker and homemade buttermilk biscuits from the Magnolia Table cookbook.
2. What am I listening to: I just discovered the podcast "The Lazy Genius" and I am loving it. Most episodes are right around 20 minutes and it is packed with little hacks for your family.
3. Scripture of the week: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." Isaiah 43:2
4. Aha Moment: As I was listening to this podcast while on the road the theme was being the girl for the job. How true is that?! God made us for a specific purpose and job. I can't be the only one who struggles to remember that, am I right? The book centered on this theme is getting added to my reading list. ASAP.
5. What my children are teaching me: To enjoy the small moments. I am astonished at how well little ones remember details. I had frozen cupcakes from a birthday and took them out to eat the other day. One of the kids asked whose birthday they were from and our oldest knew right away that it was her sister's Minnie Mouse cake and not the airplane cake of her brother. Both birthdays were celebrated at the same time and even were decorated very similar. I the person who made the cakes couldn't remember that.
6. From the Mouth of Babes: "I just tooted in my pants" - M. Lacey
7. Drink of Choice: Cafe Miel
8. Most despised chore: Sweeping dog hair...need I say more?
9. Reading: Discerning the Voice of God: How to Recognize When God is Speaking by Priscilla Shirer
10. Prayer: Lord, be with me at all times. Do not let the fire consume me, but rather teach me to be more like you. Amen.
We entered a new season as a family in the last several weeks as we grew by another family member. What a joyful season to remember the grace, glory and newness of our Lord. I would be lying if I told you it was all of that and no hard moments. School started, harvest has started and adjusting to a newborn in the house again has turned our world or maybe just mine upside down.
A season for rest and refreshment feels like exhaustment, which I guess means I make up new words like exhaustement. I don't find myself in the word as much but this morning I was reading a daily devotion and it said to blow off the small things. I should release them and look back to the Lord. How fitting for the current season. Supper is on the table a half hour later then it should be, release it. The kids haven't been bathed in three nights, release it. This is the same concept I visited with my counselor about on Wednesday. These thoughts should not own space in my mind. Release them quickly and return to the Lord.
My counselor and I even talked about naming that little negative nelly (who really is Satan) in my head so I can tell her to take a hike. My days are starting to sound like "Susan, the kids will still grow if supper isn't on time" or "Susan, I just had a baby it is ok to take a nap." A practice that will defiantly take practice. The biggest lie Susan tells me is that I am not adequate for this season, a season that is only a glimpse in time. The only way I know how to overcome this is to turn towards the Lord. To be vulnerable and open with those around me.
My prayer for you and me is to find patience in the current season. To remove the negative thoughts that Satan sends our way, don't let them hold space. Move on.
I have now rewrote this starting line five different ways and none of them seem to suffice. I think it is time just to write and move on. Any of you readers know the enneagram? Any guesses based on my first statement what number I am?
Clearly a one, often referred to as the perfectionist. As I typed the word perfectionist I was reminded how hard I am on myself and those around me with little grace for error. Think the Lord placed the word dependence on my heart in 2019 for a reason?!
I am going to circle back to January 1st to better hone in on this. My 2019 word of the year came to me a little different than it has in the past, this time it was in the form of a positive pregnancy test. A test that seemed to say, you have another chance. A chance from the Lord that looks past my insecurities, past my perceived inability to parent as I moved through post partum depression with our third child. I felt so inadequate during those dark days. This test not only told us about the gift of new life, but it also said here is another chance at dependence on the Lord’s plan. His plan was cemented in my memory even more that day as I shared the news with my husband. I will never forget the joy and smile on his face. His tight embrace followed by a warm kiss. A sign that God has much greater plans for us, sometimes somewhat unexpected plans.
These “unexpected” plans can make us squirm and feel the willies, but if we aren’t having these feelings are we truly dependent on the Lord? In the uncomfortable is where growth and change happens. Where the pruning happens. The Lord is stepping in and saying yes or no for us if we stop, listen and give it all to him. A reminder I have to pray over daily. So today friends my prayer is this, that the Lord may place his hand upon you as you step into the uncomfortable. That he may grant you grace and understanding when the going is tough and when it is easy.
Several nights ago I dug out a study that I had started over a year ago. It is a six week study and by quick glance I had completed through week four. Rather than pick up there I figured it was best to just begin again. As I began to read the teachings and practices the study came back to mind.
Like many other studies there are places to jot notes and answer questions. I read the prompts, spent some time in reflection and began to write. I then read my responses from over a year ago. It was a true reminder of the work that God and the Holy Spirit have been doing in my life.
So many of the old statements and answers were filled with "I' and "me." Clearly I had learning to do and still do. I am floored at how God has worked in one year in my life. How a clearer dependence on him has opened my eyes and has started to change how I pray and talk to God.
Today my prayer is that he continues to journey alongside me to help guide my path as I know he already has it all planned out. True dependence is knowing that the journey can be long, painful and drawn out with a short period of living out what we have learned. The process can also be smooth without hiccups as we navigate the doors he opens and closes. True dependence is knowing that he has us in the palm of his hand, that he is the one who provides for us through his deep love and sacrifice.
Today friends find peace knowing that if we depend on him he will guide us through life's trials and joys.
Those of you following along for the last year know that 2018 was a year of growth. There were many dark days battling post partum depression. When God laid the word deliverance on my heart early on in January 2018 I was mortified. The word seemed daunting. Little did I know that He would bring some wonderful people into my life that helped me fight even harder for the life he has given me. My close family and friends stuck by and crusaded with me. Bless their hearts and souls. I don’t feel as though the post partum depression is gone, but I have found ways to manage the stress, anxiety and darkness.
As I moved in 2019 a new word of the year wasn’t coming to mind. It wasn’t like last year when I opened the bible and it said “Prayer of Deliverance.” Looking back the last several months have sparked possible new opportunities at work as well as in our personal lives (more on that later), which led me to thinking how reliance on him in 2018 helped deliver me from pain and darkness. To continue with that theme my word for 2019 is (drumroll please)…
How often in my days do I make quick decisions without a prayer or asking God for help? The dependence on him in the last year to open and close doors as he sees fit got me to where I am today. That took dependence. The pain and suffering. Dependence. The joy followed by sorrow. Dependence.
“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character and character produces hope.” Romans 5:3 ESV
I'd love to hear your word of the year if you have one. This has been such a good an grounding practice for me. A word to focus on for the year and to pray over.
God's blessing in the new year,
I'm Lisa, a farm wife, mom and old lady at heart (or my husband tells me so). Agriculture, quilting, and baking were my first loves and now I get to enjoy them with my family!