The last several days have brought anxiousness and fear for the unknown as our family reached a day that would need immense prayer. In each moment of unrest I have tried to release and give these thoughts to the Lord. I know that he will carry them for me as I need.
When life is a whirlwind and we have fear for the future that fear will consume you. That is what I was feeling. I was feeling unrest, worry and anxiousness. Difficulty sleeping and lack of focus. Last night I prayed and read in my devotional before putting myself to bed at 8:00. The first five hours of sleep were solid, followed by three of tossing and turning.
Little did I know that when my alarm would go off at 4:45 I would have a calming sense of peace wash over me. No fear for the day or what was ahead in it. I knew that God had today in his hands. I recently read in a devotional that he gives us the exact amount of strength we need for each day. How fitting. How correct. The peace was and is part of his plan. He knew what I needed today. A true sign that even in what we think are our dark moments he is there to help carry the weight. He is always good and it is always well in him.
Tears stream down my face as I sit and write this in a coffee shop. I feel broken today, broken to the core. Counseling today was hard. Very hard. A time to sit and visit about the last month. The feeling that I am failing as a mom and wife and at my career. The feeling that I am surely messing my kids up to the core. Especially my first born. Putting my high expectations of myself onto her.
Each morning we run the mad race to get out of the house. Every morning I remind the kids ten times to put on their shoes. Three out of five days I am the last one out of the house because I just had to have a chai tea or a smoothie. When we are late on these days the blame goes to the kids does it not? Well in my life it does. It's funny because I say "You know if you would have put your boots on the first time I asked we wouldn't be late." The moment it comes out I know I'm blaming the wrong person. Really I shouldn't be blaming myself or the kids. This is our life and at times we are going to be tardy.
The reality, I am always to work by ten to eight. I can't remember the last time I walked through the door after eight unless it was scheduled. Why do we not give ourselves any grace? I give myself zero. The fear of disappointing others creeps in. The fear of not living up to someone's expectations takes over. Fear rules my life on a far to regular basis.
Fear of failure is ok. Failure itself is ok. Taking a leap and failing is ok. Failure is growth. If a goal or dream is realized to simply and with ease was it a God sized or Kingdom driven dream? Romans 5 tells us that grace will be obtained through suffering which I relate to failure:
"Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our heart through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Romans 5:2-5 ESV
Shoot you guys, how much hope does that chunk of scripture give us? Even through trials, failure, and blaming others he is preparing us for more. He is pruning us and creating more God like character within us if we are willing to accept the challenge.
As I reflect on today I know I will be listening to this podcast on dreaming and this podcast on pruning for the umpteenth times. My prayer for you (and myself) will be that fear does not consume you but rather propels you to have God sized dreams. Through these dreams may he protect you while helping you grow.
I'm Lisa, a farm wife turned city slicker. A child of God, wife and mother. I'm a dreamer relying on God's grace to get me through.